The Frustrated Hacker

11:09am: Changes
They say change is constant. I guess with me, there are two plains on my so called 'change chart.' One's constantly accelerating, the other's going in a sickeningly slow pace.


Over time, I've learned how to redefine myself quicker than I can decide to do so. I simply love the fluidity of my character but I wonder when that fluid start to slowly get cold and finally freeze. If it would ever happen. And if I could find someone as fluid as me. I want to have a definite shape but I don't want to be trapped frozen in a container.

I've had the best and worst of both worlds and I'm trying to make something of that fact. I am the two extremes of almost everything. I have different personalities to match the different worlds I live in. I'm struggling on how to let these worlds of mine coexist with me. But for how long will I be able to hold this up?

I have a wall built so high that no one can see what I'm protecting. Not even myself. It's not easy to budge into the real me when this wall springs up to close me in every time someone dares to go far enough. Maybe Im just more fit to sharing a little bit of me at a time. These worlds exist for a reason. For the walls I created. For now, I just want to enjoy life for I know how unfair it could get sometimes. My wheel keeps on turning and I wont be forever in this high. I just want to make sure that when the wheel turns, Im bringing with me memories of life - of living as real human.

2:54pm: A week ago I felt kinda emo...hence this

Searching.

            Searching for that one thing that would make all of this real again.

            Searching in my memory.

The memory that was once deleted.

            The deleted memory that may always be restored.

Restored.

            Restored at the back of my head.

Yes, I can feel it at the back of my head.

            I can feel his passionate grasp as we kissed the night goodbye.

            A night of waves, interlocking from the bottomless pit of the ocean to the subtle shores.

            It was for a moment bottomless as we shared our perplexed passion.

            The night couldn’t have ended any better.

It can’t be better than this anymore.

No, not with the memories haunting me every waking hour.

I can only go to sleep to forget.

             Forget such a memorable moment.

            A moment of bliss.

            Bliss that can never be too blissful.

 

As dawn came, it was as if nothing ever happened.

A warm smile,

a lovable gesture and

a sweet goodbye.

            A goodbye that didn’t end things like it was supposed to.

            An ending that could’ve been just the beginning.

            The beginning of something true, or the beginning of a covered gap.

            A gap that may never be rendered with lies.

Yes, it was all just a lie.

            It was all a lie, hence I should forget such a moment in my life’s story.

            Now this will be just a story.

            A story to charge to my experience.

            A sweet experience that people wait a lifetime.

Yes, I have still the rest of my life to search.

Search. Searching only for the uncertain.

 

 

****haha...it's kinda teki...and i haven't read it since i wrote it a week ago...****

1:40pm: Laptop!!!! :D
    Not so new news since I got it before 2007 ended... Model: Acer Aspire 4310....it has a built-in web cam, 80GB HDD, 533FSB(it'll do), 2x512 main memory, wifi-ready, Dolby Digital Live sound system, 14.1 widescreen and some other stuff... too bad i'm only online during weekends... here she is...took it with the webcam using a mirror...hehe



lurve the green buttons!

On the other side of the news, its suicide week. I've got the whole week planned with all the things I am supposed to do and hell I wish I can extend a week to 9 days and a day to 30 hours instead of 24. I even have make-up classes during Sundays. Asa ka ana?

Subjects are getting too demanding...to think I only have 5 subjects this sem.

Can anyone give me the power to freeze time?

I'm all nervous about my upcoming book review and debate seeing that I haven't really spoken in front of class for the longest time and I'v e got my tongue so tied with the local dialect.

The teacher...the friggin STS teacher...hmmm... nice person...too intellectual...standards too high to comprehend...exams too difficult to pass...classes with too much recitation requirements...that kind of thing...blasts me back to highschool...damn....

I do have a lot here to distract me....dvd's and games...this much games:


everything in those peach-highlighted columns are games ready to help me slack off...*compliments to keno who installed all that* LOL!

anyways, life in the boarding house is fine...

but, for unknown reasons, I seem to be so tempted to smoke...maybe it's just lack of second-hand smoke from father and brother dear...

and space, i feel your pain... why am i even studying all this when i dont even want a job as boring as a programmer's? Everyday I wish I won't ask myself that question but everyday I fail...haha... Kainis everytime someone asks all those 'what if I didn't study in UP?' and 'why did I take this course?' from my classmates...

I'll just do my best to get the diploma then decide where to go from there...

12:57pm: Keep Holding On- Avril

5:15am: whaw
everyone's computing their target grades to pass their subjects. here goes for me....

at least 90% for calculus

at least perfect for cmsc131 (assembly language and programming)]
-----------------------------
fail those two and im delayed for a year.....and


at least 80% for mgt131

at least 95% completion of our hotel database project to be submitted and defended on friday
---------------------------
fail these two and im a big loser

0_0      uhhhhhhhhhh...God is good!

4:20am: Everyone seems to have their own problems right now esp. w/ acads yet you guys still seem to have time to write it all down in LJ. I envy you. *awwwh* Anyways, two weeks of hell is coming fast and I have tons of programs to submit. Poor little me. Although I get to be with more than one computer at a time I still cant pour out in LJ. I just spent two nights in school just making a database project and boy that drained me!

Still, two week and tapos na hell. I hope you all get to manage with your own problems, esp sa schoolwork. Kaya natin toh! :)

9:22pm: ...
Its an ordinary day. By saying ordinary, I mean debate-ably ordinary...

1:10pm: Distance...
I hate the way this distance keeps us apart. I hate the distance my house keeps me away from you. The distance my University keeps, the distance your University keeps. How I wish I could just teleport my way to you. One second Im in UP, the next Im in downtown. It sucks how long it takes for me to travel. Going to school, going downtown, going to see you. Im just so sick of traveling. Maybe if my guardian angel would list down what things I've spent my life with, the total time  I travel would be second (sleeping's the first).

I do get my butt downtown like once or twice a week though. I just don't get to see any of you guys since I know you're busy with school or something.

Latest about my life in UP...hmmm...

    We have this project (program) for a subject of ours and we begged Evergreen Hotel to let us in and help them manage their system. They agreed and said that f they like our program they'll adopt/ buy it. Wheee! Our very first customer! I hope i dont mess up.

    UP is quickly changing into this socialite school with tuition fees raising up to 600php per unit, only the well-to-do people can afford it, plus the living standards there and the habal-habal fare (I spend about 40pesos a day ONLY on habal2 rides). Luckily only incoming freshmen are charged with the tuition increase. Mine is still 200 per unit...haha

    Lots of hunks. (compared to before) *drools*

    I have this Management teacher who makes my blood pressure soar to the high heavens. She always talks about her big achievements, how UP min is so far behind the UP system, how intelligent she is, and how much of an underachiever she is in her family with even though she has all those achievements. What is she implying? If she's dumb (in her family), then how dumb are we exactly. No offense, she's great and all. She just has too many stories to insult us with.

    We just had our acquaintance party yesterday at Mergrande. We were one hell of a crazy course out there.

    We're all fine out here (all marisians in our batch plus 6 newbies). I don't know about manos(i haven't heard much from him coz he's busy with his majors. His major subject this sem is his gf  *haha* and his major subject is restricting him from seeing his friends). Oh well...

    With the new marisians here I feel much more at home and connected with my high school life than ever. *char! makahilak*

    Swimming classes for my PE!!! Hopefully my water trauma would shake off.

4:02am: I Almost Lost Them

            My parents almost died this afternoon while crossing a river. That explains why I was so edgy and not at ease, why I kept dropping some stuff lately and why I could not sleep. That also explains my mom’s dream last night about rivers and people drowning, as well as my aunt’s dream about plenty of water gushing about. It was a warning. My mom has psychic abilities of some sort. She always had these dreams and/or visions right before something bad happens to any of us in the family. She even woke me up early this morning and was telling me stuff as if she’s leaving for good.

They were on their way home from the quarry and they usually cross a river on the way home. The current was strong and was getting stronger by the minute. My dad’s a bit stubborn. He wouldn’t listen to mom’s advice against the danger of crossing that time. As a result, the two of them and a young uncle of mine got stuck in the middle of the river. The pick-up was starting to give in to the current so they got out of the car and held on tight to the front (bumper?) of our pick-up. You see, if the car would get carried away then they would have to let go or get carried away with it. If they let go then they’d be slamming down the rocky river bed with that kind of current and God knows their chances of survival. The water was rising fast up from the waist to the chest level. Some of their things (spare tires, pales, bags, slippers, jackets, mom’s wedding ring) were already carried away by the river, but my mom held on tight to her wallet with which she always carries along this religious item..

My mom said as the pick up was starting to really give in, she had given her hopes up and she felt so light from within and thought, “This is it for me.” Logs were hitting them like it were telling them to let go. My uncle almost let go and said “Mao na jud nit Te Lyn, wala na jud ta!”  That time my mom decided not to give up and told her brother to keep holding on *Aha! A literal use of the phrase*. She thought of what would happen to their children if both she and dad were gone and she knew that she had to stay alive no matter what. She prayed to God and asked him for help and as if an instant answer to her prayers, a couple of people saw them and ran for help. A few minutes later a backhoe came to the rescue, they climbed up to its bucket/hoe and were hoisted off to safety. Somehow they got the pickup off the river and its drama was “‘til death do us part!” (it once even did something short of a summersault with him and that same uncle inside) Dad tried to ignite the engine and viola! it still started. Although not the prettiest, nor in the perfect condition it’s a car to die for, and to die with.

 

This experience should serve as a lesson to my father and all stubborn people out there to listen to other people’s advice. And a lesson to always show the people we love how much we care for them because we never know when our time will come.

Recently I’ve been in conflict with my religion but my parents just came home from a near death experience in one piece so I gratefully thank God for it! I thank him because my parents might have never come home today and if they didn’t then I don’t know what to do. Dude! We could’ve been orphaned. I consider it a miracle for them to be back with us safe and sound and they consider this as their second life.

Now I ask you, what would happen if one day your parents don’t get come home alive?

7:13pm: crazy
im a perfectionist
but i never get things perfect
im afraid to,
not lazy to
i cant understand myself
im scared of perfection
but i want it
i think that when things are perfect
it would all end and
things will go wrong

now, my family's in this perfect happiness mode
i cant remember the last time we were happy as a family
we may not be your ideal family
but this time there's love, peace and happiness
i cant remember when there was this state of peace
there's this fuzzy feeling in me
im happy
but im scared
that one day something really bad would happen
i hope this would last
i hope i wont screw it up

anyways
i enjoyed the weekend in isla reta. although there were some awkward angry moments being left out, i really enjoyed the white sand and the clear beach there. i have this issue about me and angelie having to be together all the time. i cant even be alone for the sake of solitude. we're this package deal. where one goes, the other should be there too. or more like i have to go with her. i am allowed to go alone. but my grandma wants me to babysit anj. she wont allow her to go if im not going. to tell you honestly, i dont like being with her set of friends(bryan,anna,aimee,karla,jean) that much. they always make me feel out of place. but i sacrificed the weekend so that she can go. i know she's happy with them. i just am not happy with them. i dont like them that much. i need she needs freedom.

1:09am: People are dead!
haven't heard anything from anyone in lj lately (except for david and claire). as a matter of fact, this would be my first post in a million years.

so?

where is everyone?

anything brewing in your minds?

any updates?

any occassions or something?

i kinda want to hang out... i just dont know what everyone else is upto....

update please...kahit nonesense lang...

XD

for starters...

about me. im sick today. hopefully it wont extend to tomorrow. also i got a new pair of glasses. that's all...
p.s.
and by the way. if anyone here has a copy of Sophie's World or knows where in the internet i can download it , do tell me. i've just searched like 50 pages of search results but i cant find the actual full ebook.

 thank you! :)

2:15pm: Trying to Make a Significant Summer
    Just this Tuesday I went with a couple of friends to this teaching agency in search for a summer job. Everything was on the spot so it was fun, exciting and nerve wracking. We thought that we were just going to submit resumes, which by the way were made only a few minutes before applying. Much to our surprise we were being interviewed after submitting the resumes. What's more is that we took a series of English exams. I swear those sets exams brought back the horrors of high school diagnostic tests. At least now I know how applying for a job works. "Experience is the best teacher" as they say. I'm hoping this job would push through. I cant imagine summer doing either nothing or just studying lame(?) subjects. Life and Works of Rizal anyone? ^-^*

    In case this one fails, can someone suggest to me what else I can do for summer? Jobs? Workshops? =)

10:57pm: Disappointing Disappointment
I can't go to Diliman.

BackHOE malfunction.

Expensive spareparts.

Sure mom...I understand.

End of story.

11:58pm: My NSTP trip...I wish we could get to do something like this soon. ;)
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11:54pm: My My NSTP trip...I wish we could get to do something like this soon. ;)
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10:25pm: Of(f) I Go...
Farewell for now. I'm off to the high mountains, to walk an impossible 9 kilometers, to survey about lousy sanity, to sleep in a cold, dead-silent night, to go through the heat of the high-noon sun and the cold winds of this season.

How do I do 9km?

9:31pm: Our Pride
She asked me to spread the news so here goes....

I proudly announce to you that Therese Patricia Yucamco (a.k.a. TP) passed the UP College Admission Test. She passed the course Architecture. Im just happy because  there may be additional 'Stellars' (Marisians) in UP. Whee.... I hope there are more of them who'll actually enroll and decide to be in UP. Just wishful thinking. I usually get disappointed when I expect. UP's really great and cool in many ways-imaginable and unimaginable. Here a lot of ironic things happened to me. Im learning much much much more outside the classroom and I get more freedom to stay out late and stuff. There's just something so deliciously painful and painfuly delicious about this place(I swear its not the boylets...guys here are hard to decipher). hehe...


oh yah...can you give me your YM id's? im gonna get myself hooked.

1:59pm: Missin' Everyone There...
This missing each other has got to stop people!!!!!!

I'm free after 2:30pm friday, then saturday afternoon...

suggest any day and let's set a day.

movies? arcade? just pure plain hanging out? walang gastos? anything you want?

just suggest anything!!!!

7:01pm: We finaleh have internet at home....

Wipee!!!!!!!
:p

2:41pm: Just wanna say hi!
How's are you people? Busy rin kayo noh? My christmas break begins on the 22nd. Kelan christmas party natin? I haven't made much contact with you. Just wanna say I miss you all....n_n

4:43am:

5:13pm: this is just absurd...

GOOD news:

i was highest in our ComSci 57(discrete math) exam. i beat everyone else...:)


BAD news:

i failed the exam.

 

I got 54/100...but still Manos got only 22. HAHA! take that. Dear, you make ky day. :p

you see the absurdity???

1:51pm: Celebrate!!!!!
Wheee! I'm finally done with my friggin' program. This entry is is for my celebration of such a miraculous event. I started making it last sunday and I've been making it during almost all my free time. This program has been making me crazy, oh, wait I already am...I come home very late this week(9pm) just for that. I haven't got enough sleep and skipped dinner just for that. Plus I've been busy with exams....Freedom at last!

Congratulate me!*hehehe*:p

So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..So happy..n_n

I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all! I miss you all!

12:59pm: wala kasi akong number mo n_n
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM!!!!

3:33am: Dirrrrrty

    WHAT?!?!?!?!?